I'm Not Good Enough...Part 1

Evidently, I'm pretty bad about judging a chapter by its title. As soon as I saw today's lie was "I'm not good enough." I immediately thought "this one may be harder to connect to. I'm not having insecurity issues. The phrase 'you are enough' has never resinated with me because I never thought I wasn't enough." Welp - all the sticky notes later, I was wrong.

With her third lie, "I'm not good enough," Rachel Hollis talks about her history as a workaholic. While I will be the first to admit, I am a recovering workaholic (hello, teacher life!), this year is different. I purposely changed what my career looked like so we could grow our family. Hindsight 20/20, I'm so fortunate to have 1 part time teaching job that requires only 3.5 hours Monday-Friday, and a management job that is 90% done from home. There is no way I could've kept my shit together (wait...have I even done that?) with all that's happened the past 4 months while also being in charge of 20 something tiny humans.

But, for me, this chapter isn't about work work when it comes to being a workaholic. It's about the work done each and every day - the work part of living - and how I desperately try to control what I can because I know there will forever be parts of life I can't.

My version of "I'm not good enough" is not trusting my body - despite the fact that it has always had my back. This hit me as I read the words "The point is that I'd made myself severely ill trying to keep something inevitable from happening." Remember all those "I'll be happy when" moments? I made myself sick with thought wanting to get to the 12 week mark of our pregnancy. I made myself sick with thought wanting to get our CVS test results. I made myself sick with thought wanting to get my first period. I made myself sick with thought waiting to see if I would ovulate. I've made myself sick with thought wondering "when will we be pregnant again?" All the while knowing I have zero control over this. What's going to happen is inevitably going to happen.

Next up? "Our bodies are incredible. They can do unbelievable things. They will also tell you exactly what they need if you're willing to listen." After we lost our daughter, I was both obsessed with and afraid of listening to my body. At first, I was committed to paying attention to what my body was telling me. I took note of when my pregnancy symptoms faded. I tested weekly with home pregnancy tests. This turned to daily as my HCG levels dropped, so I could know when I got my first official negative. I paid attention to bleeding as my hormones shifted. Amazingly, they were consistent to how they were pre-pregnancy (I've always been super sensitive to changes in hormones). About 3 and half weeks after our loss, I tried Progessence Plus Oil to try and balance my shifting hormones, but learned this is not what my body needed as it was preventing my period from starting for a few days. Another example of my body telling me what it does and does not need.

But then, after my first period had come and gone, it was time to test for ovulation. I became obsessed with tracking it. I had no clue if my cycle would be messed up - if I'd ovulate sooner or later. I didn't want to miss my surge. I started out by testing daily, which was hard because I'm one of those people who always has two lines, rather than a nice fade in and out. This made me nervous about missing my surge even more. I started testing multiple times a day. As day 14 hit and I was still getting a faded second line, I was starting to really panic. I told Adam I didn't want to test for ovulation, it was too stressful and this stress - this obsessively googling all things ovulation and LH strips - could not be good for my body. Being level headed and amazing, he reminded me if for some reason I wasn't ovulating, that's something we would want to know. We can't change if I was going to ovulate or not, but we could be in charge of knowing. I knew he was right. It just didn't make the whole process any easier. The next day, after a workout, I got what I think was my LH surge. True to "I'll be happy when..." new thoughts flooded my mind and new obsessions were googled.

When I find it hard to trust what's going to happen is simply going to happen, I try to take charge with my actions. Part of me did't want to track ovulation because I didn't do it with our first pregnancy. I have no clue when I ovulated our first month trying and conceiving and part of me thought, I need to do everything exactly the same - because clearly it worked. Adam pulls me back to reality and reminds me that not knowing when we ovulated was actually stressful. We ended up doing two dating ultrasounds because when we thought we were 8 weeks, we were really 6. It's important for me to remember I'm paying attention to what my body is telling me because I'm listening to it, not telling it what to do.

"I hope for nothing. I fear nothing. I am free." As I remind myself to do more listening and less telling, I remind myself to detach from my hopes and fears. What I hope will happen will not change what will happen. What I fear will happen will not change what will happen. And every moment I not only think this, but truly feel and believe it, I feel free.

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