I've never been a procrastinator. My type A personality likes to make a plan and get things done. My anxiety likes to freak out when said plan doesn't go accordingly. Looking back on my pregnancies, I've come to learn that a way I've "coped" with anxiety is with avoidance.
After our loss, I knew I wasn't myself when I started showing signs of procrastination. I knew all the things I should be doing to help myself heal, but had convinced myself (over and over again) that I could start healing tomorrow. I learned tomorrow may never come if I don't allow it to.
Truth be told, I continued this lie throughout my pregnancy with Hollis. I told myself over and over "I'll start using my pregnancy journal when I hit this mark..." or "I'll start my pregnancy blog when..." Tomorrow never came - procrastination became avoidance. I had convinced myself, told and retold myself a story that if I did these things, I'd be jinxing myself, my pregnancy and my baby. The moment I wrote down our precious milestones, the universe would take it all away.
So I chose to not allow myself to capture these moments of joy in writing, in physical form. My mirror - my anxiety - continued to reflect a story of darkness. Any light I'd allow in would be swallowed and destroyed by it. It was bet to keep these moments of joy to myself. Rather than own that I was acting out of anxiety, I told myself I was merely being present and living in the moment.
Being on the other side of pregnancy, I often reflect on whether or not I regret not keeping that journal or starting my blog sooner. I always circle back to the same answer: no. In those nine months, I did want brought me comfort. Was it realistic to believe that keeping a journal or blog would jinx the health of my pregnancy? Absolutely not. Was it rational to believe it after experiencing a traumatic loss. Yes. I did all that I could to keep the light shining on the darkness. It's okay if my recording of these memories came after Hollis' birth.
I finally allowed tomorrow to come, and in the end, that's what matters.